Answering Anything - Serious

I'd like to thank regular commenter Kia Cera for her interesting questions that I'm looking forward to answering. I'll be answering the two more serious questions today and the wonderful silly question tomorrow. Because I really want to address this first question and give it it's do.

"Something serious: What motivates you to spank in a punishment situation? (As a sub, I find this intriguing as it seems to be a lot to ask when a spanker could easily just ignore it or move on to someone else rather than takoing a risk by stepping up and trying to help someone address a problem.)"

There are several motivating factors that go into punishing someone. One of the main reasons is that if me and a submissive are in a situation where I can spank them, I feel morally obligated TO spank them. It's a contract, whether written down or unspoken. If I say I will spank someone when they do things that I will not allow, then I can't back down on my word. It sends a message that I am inconsistent. My wife (or any other submissives I take for a Discipline relationship) will have hard limits placed on them that they will not be allowed to cross, and if they do they will be getting a spanking they won't want to remember.

I won't lie that anger is a motivating factor. And this isn't the little "stop annoying me, you're aggravating me" kind of anger. I consider myself to have a high level of tolerance and don't get mad at little things. But when I have a situation where I have to spank as a punishment, I am going to be angry and I will WANT to make my submissive suffer for their crime. Not because I'm cruel or anything, but just there is a distance there that can't be solved by other means. If for example, I catch my wife smoking cigarettes or find out she's stolen something, I have a right to be angry and punish her if we've agreed to a DD relationship. She's putting herself in danger and acting foolish, and I will do anything to get her to see the error of her ways.

Which really is the big reason that I would spank someone as a punishment: my sincere desire to help them. Just because I want to be in a Domestic Discipline situation does not mean that I want to punish my wife. I would honestly prefer that I never have to, and if I do, I will make the spanking an experience she will not want to live through again. I am just there to provide enforcement for her, helping her to become the best person she can be, for the benefit of everyone around her. I only want what's best for her.

The last motivating factor is that it really feels good to be a Top in a Domestic Discipline situation. To have someone who trusts you, loves you, and needs you in such a powerful way is an intoxicating, enthralling experience. It's a natural high. It gives a Top a sense of self-worth and personal accomplishment, a chance to see his impact on his partner in such a personal, positive way. Even if I never have to spank as a punishment, just her knowing that I will if I have to, and being grateful for it at the end of the day, is motivation enough.

 "Something completely off-topic: What is the greatest compliment you have ever received?"

This I can actually answer pretty easily. While talking things over with one of my Team Leaders at work, I made a mention that I was going to take a few days off in January to recharge my batteries after the Holiday season. I love my job but Christmas just drains all the joy out of it, so I had gotten in a place where I hated coming to work.

Rebekah answered by hoping that I enjoyed my time off, but that it didn't last too long. "We say that all Team Members are replaceable, but really that isn't always the case."

Now I know I do a good job at my work. I show up on time, I'm polite and always willing to help people, and I do my work pretty efficiently most of the time. But hearing that I was such a valued and respected member of my Team, from someone who really had no reason to tell me that other than to make my day, was easily the best compliment I've ever gotten.

Please understand that I have had issues with my self-worth for a lifetime. Part of that stems from my biological father leaving my mother and never wanting me over. Another big part is that my Aspergers syndrome once led my Special Ed teacher at school to say that I would never function in a real world environment and would always be an outcast. Spending the last twelve years or so of my life in a revolving door of "friend zones" didn't exactly help me reach the conclusion that I was anything special either. When I couldn't get a job and slacked off in college which ended up costing me my loans (which I'm now paying for) and kept me from finishing my associate's degree, I was pretty much rock bottom from a self-esteem standpoint.

Getting my new job was the biggest blessing I could ask for. It gave me a reason to get up in the morning, a sense of purpose and something to strive to be excellent at. It wasn't always easy and I still have plenty to learn, but I think it's safe to say that my Team genuinely views me as excellent now.

And that's all the affirmation I've ever really needed.

Self-Discipline (And a Prayer Request)

Something I haven't mentioned lately is that I'm just starting my bi-annual attempt to quit drinking soda. To put perspective on this, I have been known to drink an entire twelve pack of Dr. Pepper if left to my own devices. The first week was okay, as Gatorade helps me cope with wanting sugar on my mouth. I know soon enough the caffeine headaches are going to kick in and I'm going to be Mr. Grumpy Pants for a few days before my body adjusts.

I had my first real test today as I passed the Pepsi One-Liters in my store. I was so, so tempted to buy one, to feel that fizz on my tongue and the relaxation of caffeine calming my nerves. I know in the grand scheme of things a caffeine addiction is hardly the worst thing in the world. But it matters to me because it's something that controls me. I have to control it, and not the other way around.

It's part of being self-disciplined.

Self-discipline is not something I've always been very good at. But as I've gradually realized that I identify as a DD Top, it's become very important to me. To me, you cannot be a Head of Household and be responsible for the discipline of your partner unless you are disciplined yourself. You cannot be a lazy, undisciplined Head of Household. It's just not okay. You are trying to be responsible for making a person's life better, and you need to lead by example.

And this isn't just a "Top" thing. I believe in the Bible's standard of a husband as someone who should be the spiritual leader of his family, and be accountable to God for it. Not because I don't think the woman I marry won't be capable, but it's a matter of principle. When two people come together with a common goal, it's a lot easier to accomplish than if only one is committed, or if you're competing against each other. So I have to take care of myself, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Nobody's perfect of course. We all fall short of the glory of God, and all that jazz. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to be the very best person you can be. It doesn't excuse you from trying to self-improve. It makes for a better you, and it makes for a better relationship with the people you interact with. Especially your partner.

I've been taking small steps to improve myself over the last few weeks, and part of it has been this blog. Because the fact is, this blog makes me accountable to people, something I haven't had in a long time. I have to seriously think about who I am as a person, as a spanko, as a Christian. And that's important to me. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm being honest with myself.

So if you see me write little blurbs about what I am doing to structure my life more and create a better me, please bare with me. I'm making myself better, so that I can be the best me I can be. And so that when I meet this girl, she's going to meet a better me than I am today, something who's worthy of taking her by the hand and guiding her through our life together.

On a completely unrelated topic, I would greatly appreciate prayers for my younger brother, who will be going under the knife tomorrow for cranial surgery. We trust the doctors and are hopeful for the best, but it's a scary thing for all of us. So if you can spare a moment, just keep him in your thoughts. Thank you for your time, and God bless.

Keep Calm and Think of Spanking

This weekend has been an exercise in patience for me. For context on this post (and I'm sure ones to follow), I currently work in retail, though I shall be mum as to what store and where just for privacy's sake. I actually love my job there as the people I work with are some of the nicest and most dependable I've met in my life. I'd even call several of them good "friends" and not just co-workers. And for the most part, my guests don't get on my nerves too often.

This week is an exception. The weather is beautiful in Kansas and it is SPRING BREAK, which means there's a ton of bored teenagers and even more noisy, undisciplined children following their only slightly less noisy and probably LESS disciplined parents around. Which means we get a big mess all over the store.

When I say "a big mess", I mean that if Jackson Pollack painted "Godzilla Destroying Tokyo", it would be less of a mess than my store was this weekend.

Now, I don't mind busy. I really don't. I like making money and I like having things to do. I just wish that people were polite and picked up after themselves and watched their kids. It's not that difficult to do. I come from a family of six kids, and let me tell you, my parents had us on a nice, polite leash and they never had to resort to yelling or threatening us. If we put a toe out of line, one look was all it took.

So, just in case my future wife happens to be reading this, I'm giving you fair warning. When we go shopping, you're going to be putting shoes back in the box and in the spot they go in. You're going to be folding clothes the way they should be folded and in the spot they go in. You're going to throw drinks and food boxes in the trashcans and not leave them on the shelves. And if you decide you don't want something, we're leaving it in our cart and giving it to the cashiers so they can put it up later, and not have their store look like a pig sty.

And if you don't, you're gonna have a sore, red bottom when we get home. Count on it.

Speaking of spanking, I don't know how I'd get through days like this if I wasn't a spanko. I'm sure I'd find some way to cope, of course. But what I know is that when I get stressed at my guests and want to yell at them, I take a deep breath and follow my simple rule.

"Keep calm and think of spanking."

Spanking is a major source of stress relief for a lot of spankos. As a Top, spanking is how I get out all of the frustration and stress of my day-to-day out in a healthy, positive way that my friends, and one day my spouse, can enjoy. It allows me to vent and relax. And just thinking about that helps me to keep my temper under control.

I also think about Subbing when I need to calm down, which is one of the few times I think about me Subbing in a positive light. There's something to be said for the fantasy of letting someone else worry about everything for me, and all I have to do is get spanked. I'm sure you've probably read that on a hundred blog posts already, but there's a reason for it. Spanking relieves stress in a fun, intimate way.

So yeah. KCATOS. Keep Calm and Think of Spanking. It'll save your life. Expect to see this acronym pop up in future blogs, as I've fallen in love with it.

Why I'm a Switch, and Why I Try Not to Be

If you read my testimony "How God Made Me" (which you can read here if you haven't), you might recall that while I identify as a Top, I do admit to being a Switch. In fact, until the last year or so of my life I would mostly refer to myself as a Switch, someone who loves spanking and being spanked equally.

That isn't entirely the case. I've come to realize that a lot of my desire to be spanked comes from a rather dark place in my heart. When I feel submissive, it's because I'm feeling beat up by the world, worthless and unlovable. When I get in that place, I can become a very attention-starved brat of a young man, and that's really just what I'm going for.

When I feel like that, I want somebody, anybody really, to spank me and tell me how foolish and self destructive I'm being. In this case, I want somebody to ACTUALLY beat me up and give me a reason to cry, because the tough, calm, cool and collected man I usually am can't bring himself to let the waterworks flow just because of emotional problems. More importantly, I want to be scolded and spanked because if that happens, I know somebody cares about me, that I am loved. And if somebody loves me, then hey, I must not be totally worthless.

On one hand, I like that I can cope with my occasional depressed, "The World Hates Me" bouts of self-pity just by longing for a serious attitude adjustment. I think the fact that I can channel my feelings in the form of a spanking helps me cope a lot better than most people. On the other hand, the real truth I have to admit is that when I feel like Subbing, I'm in a place that I don't want to be and probably shouldn't be.

I don't know how common these feelings are amongst Subs, and I certainly don't want to guilt trip anyone whose natural state of being is being a Submissive. But I do think, at least to some degree, that masochistic tendencies amongst Christian spankos is a reflection of how we relate to God. We feel dirty and unlovable because we fall short of the standards our Lord sets for us, and sometimes we need to be beat over the head (or our bottoms) to remember that hey, we're loved no matter what we do.

On the reverse side of things, I am at my very best when I'm Topping for someone. Topping gives me a sense of strength and self-worth that I don't always feel all the time. The need to be there for someone, to help take care of them and steer them in the right direction, that's the sort of thing that makes me happy. When I'm Topping, I can walk tall and proud and no force on earth can drag me down.

So here's the thing. I am a Switch. Sometimes I want to be spanked, and it's a powerful urge, a need that's as far away from a kink as you can get. When I want a spanking, it's for disciplinary purposes, because I'm acting like a brat and need a fire lit under my butt to get my act together. I don't hate myself for that, but I think it's a good idea for me to make it a goal not to feel those feelings very often.

Because I'd rather not be depressed and angry at myself and the world. When I'm at my best, I have a lot to offer this world. Without bragging, I know the world benefits a lot more from my compassion, my insight and my unconditional love than it benefits from brooding and self-loathing.

So here's to Topping. Because when I spank, I'm happy, and that's the most important thing for me. =)

So Why Christoph Waltz?

If you don't recognize the man I use for my Avatar, it is Cristoph Waltz playing his Academy Award winning role of Dr. King Schultz from Django Unchained.

Part of the reason for me posting is that anyone who recognizes it will get that while I clearly have faith in God and have a high moral standard for the way I treat people, I still know how to have fun and appreciate things that are controversial and R-Rated.

But mostly, the reason I chose Dr. King Schultz as my avatar is because I admire the way the character portrays absolute authority mixed with warm, loving advice. It's the exact combination of qualities that I strive for as a person, but especially as a Top. So, since I'm not willing to post a picture of myself on my blog for privacy reasons, I wanted to choose something that advertises everything I stand for.

So that's why it's Christoph, you poor devils.

How God Made Me

This is my testimony about growing up as someone who was committed to God and obsessed with spankings. At first the two seemed to conflict with each other, but through my spiritual journey and introspective thought process, I'm come to realize that not only are these two passions not in conflict, but they are interwoven and make me who I am. I should not shun one or the other, but embrace them both.

First, a brief testimony about my faith. I was raised in a Christian Home in Kansas with fairly traditional morals and have always believed in God. My mother however, taught me to carefully analyze the Bible and what Christians were saying about certain topics, such as homosexuality and the need to be baptized in order to go to Heaven. In my pre-teen years I developed a chip on my shoulder for organized religion in general, but still believed in God and that he was good.

When I was fourteen I was led by a friend to develop a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. For the last ten years or so, my relationship with God has gone up and down as I tried to divine what the Lord really wanted for His children and what people have said that He wants for His children. I have also had to battle depression and loneliness, but by leaning on God I have managed to overcome these hurdles.

Ultimately, I have to be responsible for my own faith and my own personal relationship with God. For the last few years I have allowed certain outspoken members of my faith to speak for God to me, and have had trouble reconciling it with my view of God. When someone cannot find their own niche that lines up with what they know to be the true nature of God, they either become an island unto themselves, or reach out to like-minded people to create a fellowship.

I am tired of being an island, and this blog is as much about being open and accountable for my faith as it is about being open and accountable about my love and need for spanking.

Although I know I was spanked as a child, I have little memories of the events. My earliest spanking memories are from reading The Little House in the Big Woods, where Laura Ingalls Wilder recalls a birthday spanking given to her by her father. I also remember being enthralled by the occasionally love taps I would see on film. The idea of spanking a girl was simply something I wanted to do, though I could not explain why.

By middle school I realized that spanking was at least in some way a sexual desire, and since that was a convenient label I identified it as my kink. I wanted to spank girls because I'm attracted to butts. The natural curves of a woman simply inspire the desire to touch them, and a spanking provided a convenient excuse. I loved how you spank someone "because they are naughty", which is generally my approach to sex. And I loved the visuals: the vulnerability of a girl over a man's knee, the glow of a well-spanked bottom, the sheer adorableness of a young lady sobbing and rubbing her cheeks after a spanking.

Deep down, I hated the fact that I wanted to spank girls, because I knew it would hurt and it's not a comfortable thought for someone as loving and considerate as I try to be to want to cause someone pain. I remember feeling dirty and unclean about my desires. Sex was natural, God wants us to love our spouses and have sex and that was fine. But spanking? As much as I really, really wanted to spank a woman, I felt that it was sinful and should not be done.

When I could not deny my interests in spanking, I took to the internet to see if there was anyone else with my problem. I found that not only was I not alone, but there is an entire group of wonderful, supportive people who had written countless material about spanking. Why they liked spanking, stories about spanking, how they came to terms with their unusual sexuality. Most exciting was that I found that many women have a desire and a need to BE spanked, which for me was the most exciting revelation ever.

Perhaps the biggest realization for me was that spanking is not just about sex. For tops and bottoms alike, there is a deep, real need for spanking in their lives. It's an emotional and spiritual need that has to be kindled to in order for the person to be whole. When I realized this, being a spanko was something I stopped identified as being a kink and started taking as my identity. Being a Spankophile IS my sexuality, much like being gay or straight. It's not just a matter of mechanics: everything about the spanking narrative is intrinsic to who I am and how I relate to the people I romance.

Realizing the deep psychological need that submissives have to be cared for, disciplined, controlled and nurtured by those who spanked them allowed me to reconcile my self-loathing. If I could find a woman who loved and needed to be spanked, whether it was just for fun or as a real disciplinary relationship, then my desires to take her over my knee would hardly be sinful. Unusual and atypical for most marriages perhaps, but it would be fulfilling her needs as well as mine, which is what a husband should do.

Over my period of self-discovery, I had to come to terms with a few things. One was that I can identify as being a switch. Not only do I want to spank, but a large part of me wants to be spanked as well. I also came to realize that I had fantasies of spanking and especially being spanked by men. Exploring these different aspects of my being has been an interesting journey that was at times painful. But ultimately, the journey helped me to realize who I am and what I need to be happy in romance.

My name is Aaron, and I am a Christian Spanko that primarily identifies as a Top. The greatest fulfillment I can possibly have is to care for, nurture, protect, guide and love a young woman who needs and wants to be spanked by a loving man. Though I would never force a Domestic Discipline relationship on my wife, I have found that is it the relationship dynamic that I enjoy the most, that makes me whole. And at the core of that relationship is Godly principles of putting my wife first and taking care of her needs.

In the interest of being open, I will confess that I am a single man and a virgin. In fact, I have never even kissed a girl. I have also never spanked one. While that may be uncool for a twenty-three year old man to admit, the fact of the matter is, going and having sex for the sake of having sex just doesn't appeal to me. I don't care about getting laid. I am not looking for a hook-up, I am looking for a companion.

I won't lie. A lot of the motivation for me starting this blog and my facebook page is because I want to meet a girl who I am compatible with on a spiritual and sexual level. However, if I never do, that's okay too. Because as I've made Christian Fellowship Spanking and even in the course of writing this testimony, I've come to realize the truth behind why I did.

This is about coming to terms with my own identity. I am a Christian man who wants to be in a Domestic Discipline relationship with a woman who loves God as much as I do, and needs to be spanked as much as I need to spank. That may be a severely limiting label, but that's who I am.

That's how God made me.