If you read my testimony "How God Made Me" (which you can read here if you haven't), you might recall that while I identify as a Top, I do admit to being a Switch. In fact, until the last year or so of my life I would mostly refer to myself as a Switch, someone who loves spanking and being spanked equally.
That isn't entirely the case. I've come to realize that a lot of my desire to be spanked comes from a rather dark place in my heart. When I feel submissive, it's because I'm feeling beat up by the world, worthless and unlovable. When I get in that place, I can become a very attention-starved brat of a young man, and that's really just what I'm going for.
When I feel like that, I want somebody, anybody really, to spank me and tell me how foolish and self destructive I'm being. In this case, I want somebody to ACTUALLY beat me up and give me a reason to cry, because the tough, calm, cool and collected man I usually am can't bring himself to let the waterworks flow just because of emotional problems. More importantly, I want to be scolded and spanked because if that happens, I know somebody cares about me, that I am loved. And if somebody loves me, then hey, I must not be totally worthless.
On one hand, I like that I can cope with my occasional depressed, "The World Hates Me" bouts of self-pity just by longing for a serious attitude adjustment. I think the fact that I can channel my feelings in the form of a spanking helps me cope a lot better than most people. On the other hand, the real truth I have to admit is that when I feel like Subbing, I'm in a place that I don't want to be and probably shouldn't be.
I don't know how common these feelings are amongst Subs, and I certainly don't want to guilt trip anyone whose natural state of being is being a Submissive. But I do think, at least to some degree, that masochistic tendencies amongst Christian spankos is a reflection of how we relate to God. We feel dirty and unlovable because we fall short of the standards our Lord sets for us, and sometimes we need to be beat over the head (or our bottoms) to remember that hey, we're loved no matter what we do.
On the reverse side of things, I am at my very best when I'm Topping for someone. Topping gives me a sense of strength and self-worth that I don't always feel all the time. The need to be there for someone, to help take care of them and steer them in the right direction, that's the sort of thing that makes me happy. When I'm Topping, I can walk tall and proud and no force on earth can drag me down.
So here's the thing. I am a Switch. Sometimes I want to be spanked, and it's a powerful urge, a need that's as far away from a kink as you can get. When I want a spanking, it's for disciplinary purposes, because I'm acting like a brat and need a fire lit under my butt to get my act together. I don't hate myself for that, but I think it's a good idea for me to make it a goal not to feel those feelings very often.
Because I'd rather not be depressed and angry at myself and the world. When I'm at my best, I have a lot to offer this world. Without bragging, I know the world benefits a lot more from my compassion, my insight and my unconditional love than it benefits from brooding and self-loathing.
So here's to Topping. Because when I spank, I'm happy, and that's the most important thing for me. =)
While sometimes my submission comes from a dark, destructive place, this isn't always the case. When it is, it takes a very patient and special person to provide correction. However, I also deeply believe that submission is not always a destructive thing. It can be an expression of trust, and a reminder that someone cares enough to want to deal with my unpleasantness and help me to improve.
ReplyDeleteLet me try that again, since I couldn't seem to edit my first post. I feel like I am in the minority here and don't expect that many people are more permanently submissive feel this way.
DeleteIt's just my personal experience and I don't mean to paint anyone with a broad brush. =)